How are my relationships affecting my child?

Developing intimate and joyful relationships is key to building family wholeness. Developing loving and kind relationships is something most parents want for their children. Parents who continue to work on their own relationship-awareness demonstrate that each person continues to grow and evolve through self-discovery.

​A parent can unknowingly project their own hurts and experiences of their past relationships onto their kids which in turn can cause some unhealthy behaviors and experiences for them as they move into developing relationships.

A father that I encountered had developed a belief that women couldn’t be trusted based on his relationship with his ex-wife. He held onto that for years, and shared that belief with his son who in turn didn’t trust women and had all kinds of difficulties in school. Thus it is vital that parents who want to raise their children to have meaningful relationships, be aware of what past beliefs, hurts, doubts and fears they may be passing onto the next generation. 

One concept that I have noticed for many people is that they believe that others actually have the power to hurt them.
Most of us are familiar with this and we continually see it happen in movies, relationships with friends and family members. We hand over the power to someone else and then we blame them and dismiss that we can ever trust them or ourselves again.

What if no one can hurt you, unless you allow it?

Not possible you say?  

What if I go into a relationship with the knowing and communication that I will stay in this relationship as long as it is good for me and for the other person; and I afford them the same choice? By good I mean that, it is a relationship that allows each of us to grow, change and evolve with love and kindness. 

Throughout any relationship, one needs to continue to deepen the relationship with self.  In doing so, one avoids entering into relationships from a space of NEED. 

What if it is that "I need you" that doesn't allow a person to grow and become all that they are because they are locked into a NEED relationship and their only sense of purpose is to be needed?

When you choose people who contribute to your life in ways that promote joy, gratitude, ease, and fun, and are willing to allow others to continue in the relationship for as long as it contributes to their life then you don’t have to worry about being hurt. When the time comes for one or the other person to move on, it can happen with kindness, caring and gratitude for what you had.

Some things to consider:

• How many expectations do I have about what a relationship is supposed to be for me, that limits me from receiving something greater? 
• How many relationships do I continue to get into just so I can fulfill past lifetime commitments, promises and vows?
• How many relationships do I enter into because I need someone to fulfill something within me? 
• Am I willing to break those so that I can be free to choose?
• Is the love I have for myself as great as the love I offer to others? 

Be aware of the expectations that you have for another person. Do your expectations allow them to be who they are, or is it your expectation that they will change for you in the name of "love"? Such relationships will not last. These type of expectations are the cause for disappointment as one tries to change someone who isn't ready or willing to change. In this way, we may actually invite someone to "hurt" us as we interpret their unwillingness to change as a sign that they don't love us. We in fact, are part of the reason they choose to leave, cheat, or lie to us. 

When you have a relationship with yourself in which you never feel alone because you always have you and you can pursue what brings you joy whether you have someone else with you or not, then you are free and empowered. You are not in a place of need. In fact, you are in a space of self love that extends out to others and attracts to you those who want to be with you at the same level. 

It's not that there is anything wrong with being with others, for we are a species that thrives on community when its founded in love and joy. We can have a greater experience being with others when all is right within. 

And so back to being a parent and how these insights can help you be a more empowered parent. Consider the relationship you have with your child. What are they learning about being fully accepted for who they are. What expectations have you placed on them and are they ready and willing to meet those expectations? Or do they need some added patience, guidance, learning and experience? Has you child ever done anything to try to "hurt" you? How have you responded? Have you  acknowledged your part in driving them to that place? When a parent reacts from a place that shows the child that they are hurt, they have not modeled that they are empowered to move beyond such actions. That indeed, they still love their child, and can guide them into a gentler way of communicating their disappointments and needs. 

All relationships are a gift. It is through relationships that we unlock our own desires, needs and fears so that they can be addressed, erased and replaced with a deep knowing of our capacity to love beyond those hindrances. As long as one continues to focus on what is within, one can continue to grow into deeper relationship with one's self and others, including our children. 
 

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