Developing intimate and joyful relationships is key to building family wholeness. Modeling this for your children teaches them the foundational elements of creating relationships that add to their lives. Parents who continue to work on relationship awareness demonstrate that each person continues to grow and evolve through self-discovery. A parent can unknowingly project their own hurts and experiences of their past relationships onto their kids which in turn can cause some unhealthy behaviors and experiences for them as they move into developing relationships.
A father that I encountered had developed a belief that women couldn’t be trusted based on his relationship with his ex-wife. He held onto that for years, and shared that belief with his son who in turn didn’t trust women and had all kinds of difficulties in school. So many people carry around past hurts that define their present and future ways of living.
One concept that I have noticed for many people is that they believe that others actually have the power to hurt them. We have all done this and we continually see it happen in movies, relationships with friends and family members. We hand over the power to someone else and then we blame them and dismiss that we can ever trust them or ourselves again. What if no one can hurt you, unless you allow it? Not possible you say? What if I go into a relationship with the knowing and communicating that I will stay in this relationship as long as it is good for me and for the other person; and I afford them the same choice? In addition to that I take the time, awareness, and kindness to build my relationship with myself so that I don't enter into any relationship out of need. What if it is that "I need you" that doesn't allow a person to grow and become all that they are because they are locked into a NEED relationship and their only sense of purpose is to be needed?
When you choose people who contribute to your life in ways that promote joy, gratitude, ease, and fun, and are willing to allow others to continue in the relationship for as long as it contributes to their life then you don’t have to worry about being hurt. When the time comes for one or the other person to move on, it can happen with kindness, caring and gratitude for what you had. Is it an illusion that relationships have to last a lifetime? How many relationships do you continue to get into just so you can fulfill past lifetime commitments, promises and vows? Would you be willing to break those so that you can be free to choose?
When you have a relationship with yourself in which you never feel alone because you always have you and you can pursue what brings you joy whether you have someone else with you or not, then you cannot be hurt. You are not in a place of need. Ask yourself, "What would I really like to do today that would bring me joy?" Then treat yourself to doing that thing just for you! It's not that there is anything wrong with doing things with others and yes that can add to the fun, but imagine that you started with a level of fun just by being you, then the rest is icing on the cake and can be enjoyed as well.
And then there is trust. The true meaning of trust is not that people will do what you want them to do rather they will do what will serve their best interests. And then we judge them for the choices they make. We lose trust in ourselves because we have this twisted view of trust. Trust yourself to know what you know and to follow that knowing even if it doesn't make sense logically. Choose for you and what works best for you. Too many people place too much value on having to live their lives based on other people’s expectations and demands and end up judging themselves for not making it work out. This doesn’t honor either party in a relationship.
If you have experienced hurt from a relationship that didn’t work out the way you thought it would, this would be a good place to start asking yourself some questions about what you can learn about yourself from this situation. Did you trust yourself completely to do what would work for you? What would you like to have in a relationship? Can you honor a person who decides that they can’t make it with you as that is most likely what is best for you too? How much easier can it be to let someone move on when you don’t make it all about you? Where can you be grateful for the self-discovery you can receive from any relationship? What would you like to do different in the future? Does your relationship with yourself need to improve before taking on other relationships? How can you be more of who you truly BE in all relationships?
Keep in mind that relationships come to us in a variety of ways. You may lose a job and that could be like a break up of sorts. You can apply the same ideas here to any of those relationships as well. The questions will open you up to more awareness and possibility for your future. I like to remember the each choice I make gives me more awareness of who I am and what I would like to change.
Mary shares her desire to create different possibilities for families and individuals who are looking to live a more conscious and aware lifestyle. BE YOU Parenting is for parents who want to BE all that they truly BE and to allow their kids the same privilege.