Good Grief!?

I don't know about you but it has been a week of mixed emotions for me.

One the one hand, I was able to witness some amazing growth with clients as well as family members as they stepped into being more empowered. Pure magic! The emotional response here is one of elation and joy!

At the same time, I carry this space of grief as I mark the milestone of 20 years... 

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...since my son took his life and brought back bittersweet memories. 

As I reflected on this, I was drawn to the expression so often used with Charlie Brown -"Good Grief!" While this expression is used as an exclamation expressing surprise, alarm, dismay, or some other, usually negative emotion, I examined it further.

One question that kept coming up-
Why use a positive word ----> Good----> used with a negative emotion - Grief?

This led to another question ---> Is grief bad? That would be the assumption, as it is associated with experiences and events that deal with loss and sadness.

After 20 years of being on this grief train, I would not describe grief as bad, but as a response of being with the emotional pain that comes from caring and loving one another.

So, if grief isn't bad, does that mean that it has an element of goodness embedded within it? I believe so. If not only to remind us of our capacity to love and care for one another, which reminds us that we are human. Going further, the longer I have traveled on this grief journey, I have found some golden nuggets:

• Deeper connection to myself
• Better understanding of what my priorities are
• Increased appreciation for life and living in the moment
• Gratitude for those that share my life with me
• Acknowledgment of an inner strength, I never believed I had
• Decrease in fear
• Awareness of my own expectations for myself and others
• A discovery of my own capacity to be joy - something I had not experienced in a very long time, if ever. 
• A greater connection to being ME and knowing that I have CHOICE in who I BE and how. 

Given more time, I could list more and be even more specific, but as I look at this list, there is a LOT of GOODNESS in this list. Experiences in life give us an opportunity to open up and see the ourselves and the world around us with different eyes. Grief is one of those experiences that is done individually and not all may choose to acknowledge the Goodness in their grief. I know I didn't at first and even resisted it. In time, I found receiving the goodness, a gift  that honored the love of my son. 

We all have our own grief. It isn't about comparing whose grief is worse than another's. Grief becomes part of our journey that we take with us, and if we allow, those emotions that flow from the loss we feel, can give us insight to learning more about ourselves, our relationships, our desires and the courage to go forward. 

My son died on March 4th, leaving me with the message to go FORTH, don't give up, as difficult as it may be, keep going. In doing so, I have reaped tremendous joys and achievements that I would not have had. In that marching forward we all carry the pain of those we miss, whether people we love or dreams that didn't come true.


​I extend to you the gift to live now and allow any grief you carry to be your strength. 
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Empowerment Tool

As we learn to connect to emotions and live with any grief that we are experiencing, a tool that I have found useful is being in ALLOWANCE of the emotions and feelings that come up.

​ Being in resistance or making them wrong or even labeling them BAD only prolongs the ability to release the emotion. 

There are times when we can't fully express our emotions and when this happens, I make it a plan that as soon as I am in a place where it is appropriate, I will allow my emotions and feelings to come through and be with them, knowing that the release is part of my healing process. 

Allowance is about not judging what I am feeling, or the emotions I am having. Play with being in allowance in all areas of your life this week and see what happens or doesn't happen.  ​

For Parents

How can parents help best help their own children through times of loss and sadness and grief?
A few things to remember:

• There is no right way to grieve. 
• Everyone needs to have the space to have as much time as they need, no expected time limit.
• Answer the questions they ask. Even the hard ones.
• Give the child choices whenever possible.
• Be willing to talk about and remember the person who died. 
• Listen without judgment
• Let go of any expectations you have about how they should be 

Do honor all feelings that your child may have - anger, sadness, withdrawal (the need for space), knowing that emotions are not wrong, but give you an indication of thoughts and feelings. 
Resources:
Podcast- How to Help Kids Deal With Emotional Pain ~ Guest Bill Protzmann and
Beyond Grief Into Joy
Article- How to help a grieving child