Developing intimate and joyful relationships is key to building family wholeness. Modeling this for your children teaches them the foundational elements of creating relationships that add to their lives.
Parents who continue to work on relationship awareness demonstrate that each person continues to grow and evolve through self-discovery. A parent can unknowingly project their own hurts and experiences of their past relationships onto their kids which in turn can cause some unhealthy behaviors and experiences for them as they move into developing relationships.
A father that I encountered had developed a belief that women could not be trusted based on his relationship with his ex-wife. He held onto that for years and his son picked up on his father’s belief. This affected how the son related to women who were his teachers and made school life much more difficult. Little did this father know to what extent his own beliefs and hurts were affecting his son.
It is easy to allow past hurts to define the quality of how you are living in the present and what kind of future you create for yourself and for your children.
How often have you said or heard someone say, “He/She really hurt me. My heart is broken because of what they did.”
We have all done this and we continually see it happen in movies and in relationships with friends and family members.
We have strong expectations of how other people will respond to us and when they don’t or can’t fulfil our expectations, we take the disappointment to heart (literally, as in a broken heart). We hand over the power to someone else and then we blame them and dismiss that we can ever trust them or ourselves again. And if you have children, they witness this and begin to formulate their own beliefs based on what you are going through.
I, too have allowed myself to be a victim of my own expectations. Just recently, I allowed my expectations of how one of my children should react to affect me to the point that I felt sad and hurt. It is a reaction many of us have when relationships don’t meet our expectations. I knew better than to allow this situation to get the better of me and I also knew that it was an opportunity for me to explore what in my life is missing that caused such an upset. After giving myself the opportunity to process and to step into the reality that there was no intention meant to hurt me, I was able to let go of the hurt, and see life from a brighter side, with a heart full of gratitude.
Here's the challenge,
to change a limiting belief…
What if no one can hurt you, unless you allow it?
Not possible you say? Let's explore what may be possible.
What if we were to go into our relationships with the knowing and communication that I will stay in this relationship as long as it is good for me and for the other person; and I afford them the same choice?
And in the case of my child…
What if as a parent, I am willing to allow my child to have the freedom to express their needs and opinions without taking it personally?
Every relationship requires that we take the time, awareness, and kindness to build relationship with self so as not to enter into any relationship out of being needy. I don’t dispute that we certainly need other people to be in our lives, so be clear that being needy is requiring someone to be something for you that you are not willing to be for yourself.
Get the energy of being with someone who is NEEDY and how does it feel to be with them? Now get the energy of someone who contributes to who you already are and what it feels like to be with them. These are also energies that your children can pick up as well.
You don’t have to worry about being hurt, when you choose people, who contribute to your life in ways that promote joy, gratitude, ease, and fun, and are willing to allow others to continue in the relationship for as long as it contributes to their life.
When the time comes for one or the other person to move on, it can happen with kindness, caring and gratitude for what you had. You can live in the present moment with this gratitude that will contribute to creating a future that you will be delighted to experience.
If you have experienced hurt from a relationship that didn’t work out the way you thought it would, this would be a good place to start asking yourself some questions about what you can learn about yourself from this situation:
The questions and the questions that you generate, will open you up to more awareness and possibility for your future. It will help you to be more of who you truly be and to empower yourself and your children to have relationships that make your life greater than you ever thought possible.
I like to remember that each choice I make gives me more awareness of who I am and what I would like to change to be the best ME I can BE.
Mary shares her desire to create different possibilities for families and individuals who are looking to live a more conscious and aware lifestyle. BE YOU Parenting is for parents who want to BE all that they truly BE and to allow their kids the same privilege.